Confessions of a High School Graduate
high school. some would say the best times of their life, others would say the worst times of their life. I think there should be a healthy balance of the two. you should have good experiences and bad experiences. both help shape you into who you're supposed to be. over the course of my time in high school I sat down to write the truth about what was going on in my life & almost every time I deleted the drafted post & moved on. the reason I deleted a majority of them was because I didn't want to deal with the backlash of people confronting me about what I supposedly said about them on SBG. but now that I've graduated, I no longer have to deal with the nagging from people at school & I feel the nudging to share my story. so, I'm sitting here writing a tell-all about my personal experiences during my high school years. I pray that you hear my heart & that my story gives you strength and hope to finish your remaining years in high school.
in high school, I never fit in. I tried so hard to be popular & cool, like most people. but no matter how hard I tried, I never felt like I really had a place there. it's not that being cool is bad, it's that changing yourself to be cool is bad. I didn't really accept the fact that I wasn't ever going to be cool until my senior year. high school is where we start down the path of figuring out who we are, we make mistakes & learn from them, we go through awkward phases & come out much cuter than before. I've been rejected a lot & I was sad & angry because of it. I put myself out there a lot. I've been friends with just about every friend group possible. I've talked to a lot of guys. the common theme with all of it was that no matter what I was doing or who I was with, I never felt fully satisfied. I was trying to get the attention of everyone around me instead of making myself better by seeking the Lord. I made a lot of mistakes, said things I didn't mean, did things I regret, did things I'm ashamed of, lied for attention, you name it. I was trying to be perfect by the world's standards instead of finding out what God says about me. I even thought that because I was a christian that I couldn't fall into temptation of sin, I thought I was untouchable. how naïve.
after my last relationship I became attention driven. I started flirting with everyone & I turned into someone I don't even recognize. I fell down the rabbit hole of sin & I couldn't even see straight. I didn't even know how far I had fallen away from Christ until I got back into relationship with Him. i got busted & knew enough of what's good for me to stop doing what I was doing & get back on the right track. I decided that I wouldn't have a boyfriend for a year. little did I know that decision would be the starting point of the greatest journey the Lord has taken me on up to this point. I embarked on the path of self discovery with my Creator. I prayed that He would reveal Himself to me in new ways. I prayed that I would see life through His eyes. He began shaping my heart & weeding out the sin in my life. I walked around school & didn't really speak to anyone because I didn't want to participate in the conversations that involved bringing other people down. I started to focus vertical instead of horizontal. I became infatuated with Christ. desiring more & more. wanting to go deeper & deeper. I didn't need the approval of others or their companionship because I was more than happy with just having God. to some I probably looked crazy, sitting alone or being quieter than normal, but I had never been happier at school. I was watching God plan out every detail of my future whilst some were sneaking a hit off their vape in class. I started listening to worship music by choice every time I got in the car whilst some had more curse words in their sentences than non-curse words. it grieved my heart to see how lost some of my fellow classmates had become. when I finally figured out who I was through the molding & shaping process God brought me through, I began attracting real friends. I became friends with the most unlikely group of individuals. they push me to be better, they pray for me, they genuinely care about how I'm doing. for the first time in my life I was able to be the McKinley that God wanted me to be without being worried if my friends would approve or not. this was the point when I realized how far I had fallen away from Christ in the months prior. I justified my sin with "but I still go to church," & "but I still love God." I grieved the sins I had made. I sobbed over the realization that God still loves me even though I made those mistakes. I sobbed over the fact that I grieved the heart of God with my careless actions. I grieved the loss of some of my innocence. my heart literally broke at the realization of how wicked I am.
BUT God.
I cried out to the Lord to forgive me of my wicked ways & make my path straight. I asked that He continue to show me His ways. & in that moment He became so real to me. it was almost a tangible feeling. a joy birthed in my heart, I felt lighter than I had in years, I felt purpose & destiny. God literally changed my heart in that moment.
I stand as an example to you that God allows us to make mistakes & do the wrong thing to write our redemption story. I was broken & hurting while trying to show everyone that I was okay on the outside until God changed my life. now I really am okay. I know who I am because I had the burning desire to be more than I was. I wanted to stop hating what I saw in the mirror, I wanted to stop hating the way I felt inside, I wanted to stop faking it to everyone around me. I made the decision to step away from everything & figure out the root of the problem, me. I'm not capable of anything good, that's where God steps in & brings purpose to the sin in my life. I'm excited to tell my story because I know that it will bring glory to God. I'm excited for the future because I know God's got me. I'm not worried about tomorrow because I know who holds tomorrow.
so my advice to those who still have time left to go:
don't be so ashamed of your sin that you won't allow God to use it
you're not alone. everyone feels lonely & it's okay to be honest about how you feel in a safe environment
allow God to take you down the path of self discovery. you will see things about yourself, others, & God that you've never seen before & it will change your life. because there is no greater security than knowing who you are & who you belong to.
my name is McKinley & I am living proof that God takes the broken pieces of our hearts & turns them into testimonies of His supernatural love to further the kingdom of God.
as always, if you need prayer, have any questions, post requests, or just want to chat please feel free to contact me through email or social media. you can click on the contact tab at the top of the page & fill in the required fields or follow my social media accounts through the icons on the left side of my home page. thank you for reading Saved By Grace, until next time y'all :-)
"& I will be to her a wall of fire all around, declares the Lord, & I will be the glory in her midst."
Zechariah 2:5
X O X O, K i n l e y