Real Talk
okay y'all, this is gonna be long, emotional, & really vulnerable for me. please read to the end, it gets better & it's not so despressing lol...
i know that from social media & from just seeing me in person you would think i've probably got it all together & that my life is great. & it is, but recently life has been exceptionally terrible. rejection has been running rampant through my life excessively lately. i feel like i've been hit at every angle. ive had so many flat out rejections for no apparent reason lately. i feel unworthy, unloved, not good enough, like i'm an annoyance, like i have no purpose. those thoughts fill my head daily. they didn't use to.
i posted this picture on my personal instagram a few weeks ago that described how i was feeling & this is what it said "(warning: this is long) the girl behind the smile. the girl behind the smile hurts, feels rejected, grieves, struggles to keep her head above water, aches for a real love. life is hitting me with tsunami waves & never stops long enough to let me catch my breath. with each wave i feel more defeated than before. 2017 has been exceptionally terrible. i wish i could say that i'm rising above & God has ended the storm that's raging so real in my life. but i can't. it feels as though the storm is still looming, just waiting for a moment to strike. He is calming the raging storm, but not ending it. & i know the reason must be because He's teaching me something. consistent joy is hard for me to find at this season in my life, but the Lord blesses me with His gift of joy every once in awhile so that i taste it & ask Him for more. i find joy in singing music loud with my bestfriend, when i drink a really good cup of coffee, or when i watch the sunrise. so when you feel like life is kicking you in the face & has no mercy on you, remember to call upon the name of the Lord & He will bring peace, remember to invite Him on this journey with you so that He will guide your steps, & remember that this is a season, not a state of being & He's teaching you something. 2017 has been the worst, but "behold, i am making all things new..." revelation 21:5. i rest in the simple fact of knowing that He's on my journey with me & that He can calm the raging storm deep within my soul. i rejoice in His joy & in His promises. i've learned to kiss the wave that strikes me against the rock of ages." my heart was very broken & i think this post really sums up how i've been feeling. i don't really sleep & i don't really eat all that much compared to before & i find myself alone in a crowded room. i feel like i'm not accepted & that i'm not invited & that i'm unwanted no matter where i am. & as i sit here in tears, i'm overcome with sadness & defeat. "i am unlovable, i am not good enough, i am uninvited." that lie & the rejection ive been facing runs deep within my soul & i feel it come out in every facet of my life. i don't understand why God is allowing me to go through this. i don't understand the purpose, i don't like it. it hurts & it's drowning me.
BUT, i know that there is a purpose. i don't know what that purpose is, but i know there is one. there's no reason why God would allow these things to happen unless He has a greater purpose for it. it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but you have to trust that the light is there, even if you can't see it. you have to strap yourself into God's will so that He can guide you through the valley to eventually see the blessing that's on the other side. when i feel those lies of unworthiness or unlovableness or uninvitedness, i have to speak these promises over my life. "God will never leave you nor forsake you" "cast all your worries upon Him, for He cares for you" i have to willingly strap in, in order to successfully come out.
most of the time i feel exhausted (partially bc i don't sleep that much) & heavily burdened by my emotions. they're holding me captive & im trying to set myself free. i'm praying & asking God for guidance, i'm praying for my friends, i'm praying that the Lord brings me the right kind of friends, i'm praying that God gives me strength to face tmrw, i'm praying that He gives me wisdom to face any adversity that life throws at me, & im praying that He gives me joy, bc most of the time i don't feel like being joyful. 2017 has been absolutely horrendous. as most of you know a beautiful girl from my school was killed in a fatal ATV accident in January & since then, ive found out that a friend was sexually abused, that my sister is being bullied at school, that my youth pastor's mom has found lumps in her breast that could be cancerous, that another friend's grandpa died, & that my friend's mom has stage 4 cancer that without a miracle she will die. talk about terrible. my heart aches for heaven.
oh but i know that there must be something incredible around the corner, otherwise the enemy wouldn't be attacking us so viciously. satan is doing everything in his power to steal, kill, & destroy. & I REFUSE TO LET HIM WIN. i will not let him steal my joy, i will not let him kill my dreams, & i will not let him destroy my heart !! i will stand up & fight, for this is not a battle in the flesh & blood. i will get to the Cross DAILY, even if i don't feel like i'm getting through to Him, He hears me & one day, He'll answer & it will all make sense. i'm clinging to that promise SO tight. i'm bracing myself for the trek through this deep & dark valley, but i know that i am never walking alone. the lyrics from a Jesus Culture song keep repeating in my head, "my soul longs for you," oh Jesus how i long to be with you. "take this world & give me Jesus." i have to remind myself that God's plan is perfect & no matter what, He is still good. it's only a season, some seasons last longer than others, but there's an end somewhere. i have been through enough in my life & seen & felt God carry me through that i know that i can trust Him to carry me through the fire again. i will step up & step out in faith. Peter never would have walked on water if he had not stepped out of the boat.
maybe you're not hurting as much as i am or you aren't struggling with this issue like me, but we all struggle & i think this is something that we all face in some form @ least once in you lifetime. hence the reason why i was SO vulnerable with you guys. so today, i challenge you (& myself) to step up & step out of the boat, look the enemy in the eye & declare "i will not let you steal my joy, kill my dreams, & destroy my heart, you are not worthy." "if our God is for us who can be against us," rest in that promise today, speak it into existence.
(also, if you see me at school or at church please say hi or hug me or talk to me about shoes, i mean anything honestly, but i really really need that right now)
as always, if you need prayer or have any questions please feel free to contact me through email, just click on the contact tab at the top of the page & fill in the required fields. also, be sure to follow me on social media, the links are on the left side of the home page. i hope you have an awesome day ! thank you for reading Saved By Grace, until next time y'all :-)
"& I will be to her a wall of fire all around, declares the Lord, & I will be the glory in her midst."
Zechariah 2:5
X O X O, K i n l e y
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