The Absence of One
- McKinley Gibson
- Feb 7, 2017
- 9 min read
hey y'all. so i've tried to write the beginning of this post about 5 times & i just can't seem to get it right so i'm just going to start typing & see what happens. as most of y'all know my friend Ally Hooten went to be with Jesus a few weeks ago. as of today it has been one month (i can't believe it's been that long already) since she passed away. the absence of one. these last few weeks have been both the longest & the hardest of my life & it's not even close to being over. the other day i was talking to my mom about where i was at emotionally with everything & we probably talked for a few hours. i spoke honestly & candidly about how i was feeling. you have to understand something, my mom & i are so much alike. we look alike, talk alike, think alike, we could pass as twins. my mom is my bestfriend & my rock, we talk about anything & everything & she gives the best advice. on top of all of that, she's a passionate follower of Christ. she's so wise & always aims to be an example of what a woman after God's own heart looks like. anyway, in that conversation she (like always) gave me some great advice & i wanted to share that with y'all.
before i share her wisdom, i want to share my heart with y'all. over probably the last week, i have become angry with God. questions are beginning to surface for me & i don't have very many answers. i don't see the purpose in Ally's death. like why God ? why did you think it was a good idea to take her from us ? what's the point ? why do i have to deal with this ? i'm only 17 years old, death is not something that i should have to be dealing with , right ? so many questions & not very many answers. over the last few days i've gotten so lost in my head. my mind begins to go places that are dark & deep. my heart is still so deeply cut & broken.
over the last few days i have just wanted to be human. don't get me wrong, i know how much i need God & i know that He is our healer & only He can heal my broken heart for good. but that doesn't change the fact that i am human & i am here in flesh on earth & Ally isn't. i just want to be miserable & i want to scream & kick & sob & i don't want God's comfort. i just want to feel the hurt. mom wisdom #1: "God is in the healing business." that is His job. He knows how much pain you're in & He can fix it, so when you're ready, let Him heal your broken heart. right now i just want to be miserable, i want to let the pain engulf me. because in a weird way, it's comforting. to remember Ally & to hurt because of her absence feels good because i remember.
i have a fear of her legacy fading & not being as effective. mom wisdom #2: "a legacy is like dominos." if i build an elaborate system of dominos from my house to the next street over & i knock the first one down & watch it weave all through my house & then it goes out the door, just because i can't see it, doesn't mean it doesn't happen. or maybe the people that God was trying to reach through Ally's death have already been reached. Ally was ready & there were people that God couldn't live without.
like i said a moment ago, i have a lot of questions & not a lot of answers. i've gotten in God's face, i've let Him have it, & i've ignored Him. but i've also crawled into His lap & let Him hold me close, i've let Him calm the storm that's constantly raging in my heart, i've let Him speak through others, & i've allowed Him to comfort me. i know that i will never have all the answers, honestly i'm glad i don't have all the answers, that's so much pressure. i'm thankful that God knows all & that He controls all, because He is good. mom wisdom #3: "God is a master of the details." He knew the last time she would tell her mom that she loved her, He knew the last time she hugged her bestfriend, He knew the last time she would ever take a nap or have dinner in their house. He knew. & He also knew when she would draw her last breath & He knew the exact moment when He would see her face to face. the what if's are eating at me. what if they left 5 minutes sooner or 5 minutes later ? or what if they left 10 seconds later or 10 seconds sooner ? when you're talking about a car accident, we're talking seconds mean the difference. seconds. it doesn't make sense in our flesh, but He couldn't live without her in heaven any longer & He couldn't live without the ones who have come to know Him through #allyslegacy
i've always thought that when people talked about the stages of grief that it was like you go through it in a particular order & you move onto the next one. boy was i wrong. grief is so cyclical. there are some parts that are one & done, but others that just keep hitting you like waves, you don't know how strong, how fast, or when they'll hit, but they hit hard & all at once. sometimes you're really great & other times you sob uncontrollably. one minute you could be laughing so hard you pee your pants & the next you're so overcome with grief it feels like you can't breathe. some nights you get great sleep & others you're up for hours because your brain is going 100 miles an hour. some times life has purpose & you feel good & others you question why you're even breathing. it's so up & down & all around 24/7. at this point you don't really know where everyone is at emotionally & you're scared that if you ask that they'll burst into tears. sometimes i feel guilty that i'm doing better than some of my friends. just like grief comes in waves, the storm doesn't last the same amount of time for everyone. mom wisdom #4: "it's okay to grieve, but it's also okay to live. we say how much it's okay to grieve, but we forget that it's okay to live." everyone is dealing with it in their own way at their own pace. & sometimes it's not consistent. mom wisdom #5: "if we ask for peace from God then you need to be okay when He grants it to you." it's okay to be peaceful, it's okay to be joyful, it's okay to be strong, because true peace, joy, & strength come from the Lord. own it. share it. spread it like wildfire. HE IS MY JOY, MY STRENGTH, MY PEACE !! don't let satan lie to you & tell you that it's not okay for you to be okay. Ally would WANT you to be okay !! God WANTS you to be okay !! so allow Him to make you okay. allow Him to put your broken pieces back together. allow Him to restore your soul. allow Him to speak life into your dead body. OWN that peace, OWN that strength, OWN that joy. walk in the freedom & fullness of Christ. it's okay to not be able to pull yourself together, because we were DESIGNED to need Him. you're not supposed to be able to pull yourself together on your own, so don't. invite God on this journey of sorrow, mourning, & grief. invite His peace, joy, & strength on this journey too.
things to remember:
1. He is in the healing business, so let Him heal you.
2. don't forget that a legacy is like dominos, just because you can't see it, doesn't mean it's not as effective.
3. God is the master of the details, let Him take care of all the questions & answers, it's too much for you to carry anyway.
4. it's okay to grieve, but it's also okay to live, be a walking testimony of God's peace.
5. if you ask for peace from God, be okay when He grants it to you, because He's the master of the details, remember that everything is on God's time table, no matter how much you want it.
i don't really know what to say now. it's like in the beginning, you're in shock & you're trying to keep your head above water, so you know what to say. & we're now in that in-between stage of being inconsolable & living out the new normal. it's like the awkward phase when you cut your hair short & you're growing it out. i'm kind of at a loss for words. i don't take life for granted anymore. seconds are precious because just like i'm here in one moment, i could be gone the next. when i begin to question God, i feel Him convict me & say "you don't want the answers, not bc i don't think you're curious, but bc i know you can't handle it. i hold ALL of the answers, that's MY job, don't take that from me. let me carry the answers & you just have to trust me. i'm doing my job, know you do yours." i was talking to my school counselor & when i described to her what i was feeling she called it wrestling. i hadn't thought of it that way, but she's right, i am wrestling with God. she also said that you can't wrestle with someone who's 15 feet away, that means that God is an active participant in the wrestling. even though you're wrestling, He's close. this is all because of the absence of one. i know where Ally is, but that doesn't change that i want her here on earth. most nights i cry myself to sleep & when i sleep i don't sleep much. mornings are still hard & most of the time it seems like the days are never ending. i strive to be more like Ally, not because of Ally but because of who lived inside of Ally. Ally was a beautiful example of a woman after God's own heart, i will strive to be more like that. but more importantly, i will strive to be more like Christ. the absence of one is a hole that won't ever be filled, it can be healed, but it will never be filled. the absence of one.
i am praying for so many people, myself included. this has helped take the focus off of me & transfer it to those who are really struggling. it usually goes something like this:
God, i come to you in this moment & i ask for peace. i ask for peace in the Hooten family, i ask for peace over her closest friends, i ask for peace over Jana, Steve, Sara, & Emma. Lord i know they are suffering from a pain so deep. i know i don't understand it & Lord i hope i never have to understand it. but Lord, you know their pain, you know the questions, you know the deepest parts of their heart. Lord i ask that you infiltrate those deep & painful places. i ask that you bring them peace that surpasses all understanding. i ask that you give them strength to move forward as a family of 4 instead of 5. i pray for a sense of comfort & wisdom in the face of adversity. i pray for your everlasting love to engulf their home & fill their hearts so that they feel you overcome their emotions. hold them close Jesus.
if you have heard about #allyslegacy & you don't know Christ & you want to know Him, PLEASE contact me. allow me to tell you about my awesome & holy Savior. or if you're struggling & you need help PLEASE contact me, you can remain anonymous, but i would LOVE to help you through this.
as always, if you need prayer or have any questions please feel free to contact me through email, just click on the contact tab at the top of the page & fill in the required fields. also, be sure to follow me on social media, the links are on the left side of the home page. i hope you have an awesome day ! thank you for reading Saved By Grace, until next time y'all :-)
"& I will be to her a wall of fire all around, declares the Lord, & I will be the glory in her midst."
Zechariah 2:5
X O X O, K i n l e y
also, if you would like to help fulfill #AllysLegacy click here
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